I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?