I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Randomize
