You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
