At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
