This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
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