I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
