i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
1 stripper is 160/hr. 2 strippers is 280/hr. it would be fiscaly irresponsible to only get one.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Randomize
