You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
that's fine. btw we still need $500 for the donkey...
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
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