roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
areolas are like halos for boobs.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
