dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
