It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
