I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
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