it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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