they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
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