I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
