ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Randomize
