I got chris browned last night
Wow, you were right... Weed does start conversations
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Randomize
