Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Randomize
