if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
