I'm passing your future prison.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
Randomize
