i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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