cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
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