Sooo i definitely have a major burn on my chin from kenny's ...stubble from making out for hours while coked up. Pure class.
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
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