I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Every concussion has its silver lining
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
Randomize
