this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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