either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Randomize
