I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Please explain to me what this has to do with my fantasy to fuck larry king?
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
Randomize
