Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
