He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
I wonder what gingers are like in bed...as awkward as their hair or just as unique as it...?
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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