I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
Randomize
