the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
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