new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
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