Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Randomize