I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
her facebook's as public as her vagina
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
I have aggressive nipples.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
