I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
No I am not eating basil off your cock
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
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