so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
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