I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
third nipple confirmed
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
