your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
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No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
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I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
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