Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Randomize
