She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
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