Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
You dont lie about slip and slides
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Randomize
