Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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