i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
Randomize
