I smell stomach acid.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Randomize
