i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
I checked into jail on foursquare
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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