Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
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