just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
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Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
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Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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