I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
