you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
Well I just put wine in my tea
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
