you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Randomize
