either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
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