At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Randomize
