Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
