I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
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