I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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