So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
