Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
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