Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
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