Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
this just has baby written all over it
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
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