This ginger kid smells like a queef popsicle
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
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