the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
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